Thursday, March 31, 2011

So Arnold Schwarzenegger is Retarded, Right?

He'd have to be to be excited about the new Stan Lee created comic book about him titled The Governator. Looking past the incredibly stupid title that was obviously hatched by a comic writer in his fucking nineties, there's a lot to get me excited about... and I mean the kind of excited you get watching a car sliding on a sheet of ice towards another unsuspecting car at a stop light.

So let's take a look at the quotes from Super Hero Hype and Entertainment Weekly. I'll be dissecting them as I go, because I'm sure you'd agree with me that some of this shit cannot go without consternation.

To quote Stan Lee: "The Governator is going to be a great superhero, but he’ll also be Arnold Schwarzenegger. We’re using all the personal elements of Arnold’s life. We’re using his wife [Maria Shriver]. We’re using his kids. We’re using the fact that he used to be governor. Only after he leaves the governor’s office, Arnold decides to become a crime fighter and builds a secret high-tech crime-fighting center under his house in Brentwood."

First of all, I really like the idea of Stan Lee using Schwarzenegger's kids. It just sounds funny. But I love the description Lee gives of the entire book. It sounds so simple; an aging action star/roid freak/masochist who's now a governor and his family. Simple stuff, simple story. Done. But WAIT, there's a twist! After he leaves the governor's office, he's not just going back home to lounge around and eat sausage and smoke cigars and punch through layers of cement and brick that happen to be lying around... He's going to build a fucking crime-fighting center under his house!

My first question would be "Why?" I guess we'll just have to read to find out.

A further quote from the EW article: Along with the Arnold Cave, the Governator will have a fleet of super vehicles at his disposal, a closet full of “Super Suits” that allow him to fly and perform other super stunts, and a team of colorful sidekicks, such as Zeke Muckerberg, the precocious 13-year-old computer whiz who acts as the Governator’s cybersecurity expert. Naturally, there will also be recurring supervillains — including an evil organization called Gangsters Imposters Racketeers Liars & Irredeemable Ex-cons (or G.I.R.L.I.E. Men, for short). For Schwarzenegger, the cartoon is obviously the next best thing to being President. "I love the idea of a control center below my house with a path so that boats and submarines can go right into the ocean," he tells EW. "In the cartoon, my house is much closer to the beach than where we live, but, you know, it’s a cartoon."

Okay, here's where things get tricky... We know his kids are in the book, right? Why the Hell does Arnold need a "precocious 13 year old" to help him with computer problems?

"Hey, Zeke!"

"Yeah, Governator?"

"My Outlook is broooken, fix the thing or I break you."

"You got it, boss man!"

"I'll be outside by the pooool."

And on a side note, the character's name is "Zeke Muckerburg", and obvious (almost too obvious) nod to Mark Zuckerburg. Get it? Cuz of Facebook! But he's a kid! That makes it a joke!

Alright, back to the article. The evil enterprise raises a couple questions as well.

Gangsters Impostors Racketeers Liars & Irredeemable Ex-cons (or G.I.R.L.I.E. Men, for short)

Alright, one of these things is not like the other... What are liars doing getting murdered by Arnold Schwarzenegger? Or Ex-Cons, for that matter? Yep, you're not a reformed member of society until the Governator says you are, dirtbag! You can tell they aren't reformed because they tossed in the fact that they're "irredeemable". That means they're eeeevil. You would think that if Arnold had a base under his house he could stop bigger criminals that impostors, right? He's going to go use his super-suit to fuck up somebody stealing identities? And in front of children?? Harsh...

Arnold closes things out with the great quote;

"I love the idea of a control center below my house with a path so that boats and submarines can go right into the ocean,"

Really? Cuz I hate the idea. Was he saying that as an architectural thought, or was he referring to the comic?

"In the cartoon, my house is much closer to the beach than where we live, but, you know, it’s a cartoon."
This cartoon is bullshit and it is inaccurate! If you're not going to get the pathway to Schwarzenegger's house accurate to the foot then why the fuck are we even making this thing??

The comic book and animated series spawning from this aborted rape-baby of an idea are set to hit next year.

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