The Pentagon Needs to Use Cyber-Ninjas

By Lazy J Janso

Network World released an article back in May about the Department of Defense's statement that cyberattacks can warrant military response. This prompted a response on 6/6/11 from the same site questioning the tactic, and the Pentagon's ability to decipher whether or not a major cyberattack on an American company or infrastructure would require military retaliation against that country, or against a single individual or group residing in that company. The main point made by the Pentagon's released statement would be that all possible measures would be taken to block the attacks, and that the DOD would due their due damn diligence to pinpoint the nature of the attack before responding.

Y'know what's easier than taking military action during the course of 3 wars (two we're directly involved in, one that we're simply financing through NATO)?

Cyber-ninjas.

Hear me out, because I know it sounds super dumb (and admittedly not very funny). I'm not literally talking about atom-sized ninjas running around the Internet slicing hacker worms in half with swords. Although that would be cool. And adorable.

But I mean more the super-cool team of twenty-somethings who operate from remote basements who skateboard around public train stations and hack government files from payphones.

I'm talking about the movie Hackers.


Remember how COOL that movie was when we were younger?!? It was so absent from all reality, and it didn't matter because nobody knew what the Internet was and how it worked! Nobody knew that two cross-dressing Asian dudes couldn't control and entire Rebel Army of hackers, or that you could take over a TV Network by wrapping an Ethernet cable around a wet fork and jamming it into a toaster as hard as you possibly can.

Obviously now even the dumbest of people (like myself) understand how networking works. Go watch Hackers and see if they mention MAC address filtering. I betcha they don't. I betcha they just use the word "gigga" as a prefix for like, 30 different words.

"We're running the worm at 200 giggatrips per byte. I'm into the main server drive's coupling giggasystem! Where's my hairspray?!?!?"

Now obviously finding this elite team of Internet misfits is going to be damn near impossible. There's no coffee house/skate park in America where a tattooed 16 year old mega-genius can make a complicated backwards-compatible wrap around an existing security system without interfering with its activity sound like a dumbed-down analogous sound bite...

"Imagine wrapping a band-aid around a cut finger. Except digitally!" (sipping coffee)

In order to stop real cyber-criminals from toppling our paper-thin infrastructure, we'll need to use pretend cyberninjas as a deterrent. Honestly, who's going to try and take on Matthew Lillard, Angelina Jolie and Jonnie Lee Miller? Maybe it's just my 1990's sensibilities, but the best way to stop the fear of the unknown is by creating something else to fear.

And if there's one thing that someone who can topple Lockheed Martin with a keystroke is afraid of... it's a sexier version of themselves making more money doing it.

Oh and the Chinese. Everyone's afraid of the Chinese.

Seven Days

-RonGuy
Well folks, we have exactly one week left until Green Lantern hits the big screen.  Excited?  Sure you are!  With videos like the ones below, how could you not be?  These collectively have forced my decision making needle to red line on awesome.  So spend the next ten minutes or so letting these clips wash over you and pump you up for what I'm sure will be the best damn comic book movie of the year.  Video credit thanks to Ain't It Cool News who siphoned them from HitFix's YouTube channel.

In brightest day, in blackest night, no evil shall escape your sight - but only if you click here! 

Ron's Video Game Roundup

So with all of the buzz surrounding E3, I decided I would share with all of you some of the games that I'm excited for.  These aren't necessarily games just announced, or only games that hold the spotlight at E3, but instead just a simple collection of game trailers that have me willing to starve for game money.

First off is the new Tomb Raider.  For me this collection of games has been hit or miss, but this cinematic trailer has me thinking they'll deliver.  Apparently, this game is to be a prequel and takes us on the adventure that turns Lara Croft into a genuine Tomb Raider.  Also, from this cinematic trailer it appears that Lara is a bit more anatomically proportioned, a fact that might have some distressed.  Maybe the story will include her using all of the riches she finds to afford a barbie doll boob job.  One can only hope...Video credit to IGN.



Next up is another cinematic from E3 for Hitman: Absolution.  I have to say, I love their entire series of games.  How many games actually give you kudos for NOT filling your screen with bodies?  The stories were always compelling, and you could complete a level in a whole slew of different strategies.  From this trailer alone the game looks better than the box of crap the movie was, so I'd say it's got potential.  Video credit again to the folks at IGN.



Check out the rest of the previews after the jump!

Some Random Thoughts on Award Shows in General

John J

I don't pretend to be "in the know" on pop culture. The extent of my knowledge on popular television consists of "The Voice looks stupid and I refuse to watch it". So I thought I'd show that I'm a 75 year old man in a 26 year old body by critiquing current television, and I'm going to use the CMT Music Awards as my pincushion. I'd apologize to country fans, but I kinda think that the role of "apology recipient" belongs to me on that one.

I visited USA Today's website this morning (which I usually do when I'm in an overly-positive mood and I need to dial it down a bit closer to "emotionally defeated") and saw an article on the CMT Music Awards.

Not "Country Music Awards". CMT Music Awards. Country Music Television Music Awards. So, pop-country that airs on your network. So, like 16 bands/performers.

Kid Rock is hosting tonight. Yes, no other country music star oozes as much natural charisma and mainstream showmanship like a long-haired swamp-creature in a fedora.

I've never understood the need for more than, say, two award ceremonies for media. The Oscars and the Emmy's, although still completely self-congratulatory and grossly insulting to people who don't have any money or prospects, at least are holding a death-grip onto what little glamorous Hollywood sparkle from the 50's is left. But let's take a look at some of the less fantastic;

S.A.G.
American Music Awards
Daytime Emmy
Tony Awards
Country Music Award (CMA)
People's Choice Awards
Golden Globe
MTV Music Awards
MTV Movie Awards
Billboard Music Awards
Grammy Awards
Kid's Choice Awards
Teen Choice Awards
Soul Train Music Awards
Essence Awards
Spike TV Scream Awards
Comedy Central Comedy Awards
CMT Music Awards
TV Land Awards

These are just ones that I thought of while writing this. Nothing says "I matter in the industry" like being nominated for the American Music Awards and CMT Music Awards but not the CMA's or Billboard Music Awards, and winning only the CMT Music Award... for best single of the year. YES! One out of four award shows gave online voters the choice of 6 songs and people voted that my one song that my label forced on Clearchannel radio was the most popular of the month! Vindication!

Maybe I'm just griping for no real reason. Maybe these award shows are just a way for the viewing public to see their favorite singers/actors in settings outside of magazines and music videos. Maybe it's just a chance to celebrate the growth of the industry and the wide breadth of its talent.

Or maybe it's just a way for stupid people to suck at the oily tit of manufactured fame until they get fired from Target and die on their couch.

Hooray for award shows!

Matthew Modine Joins "Dark Knight Rises" Cast

So according to the folks at Nerdist.com, Matthew Modine will be joining the "Dark Knight Rises" cast as the third villain.  In a previous post, John announced the other two in the line up (read all about them here.)  Matthew Modine, you might recognize from Full Metal Jacket, will be playing a character we know now only as Nixon.  It is reported that the character will pay homage to the name as a crooked politician.  So my guess is as good as yours, is this a new villain?  Who in the Bat-Verse could he be?

AQUAMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!

No real post here, just take a look at this amazing Ivan Reis cover to the upcoming September release of "Aquaman" by Geoff Johns and Reis.

8 Random Thoughts About the Geoff Johns/Jim Lee Justice League

Hey party people,     

John here, I wanted to discuss a bit (in no real framework or organized thought) my immediate reaction to the Geoff Johns written, Jim Lee pencilled Justice League of America coming at the end of August. While this leads to the much larger announcement DC made of reverting all standing titles back to issue #1, we're going to save that for the podcast (mostly cuz I

want to see that vein in the middle of Ron's forehead swell up like a choke victim).

But for now, let's stick with the one book.

1) Dick Grayson Batman
That really looks like Grayson on the cover, by the gauntlets and the non-glowing chest plate thing that Bruce wears (I really hate that damn logo... if you're looking to beat the shit out of people, would you put your name on your chest and have it glow in the dark?) If it is Grayson, I'm loving the idea. I'd like to see Grayson make it to the "big time"; he's technically in the Justice League, but it's full of second stringers and women (Psh... women). Seeing him kick ass alongside Superman and Wonder Woman would just be a fanboy moment. Plus, Grayson actually expresses emotion, so I'd imagine there'd be more opportunities for character moments besides the obvious "Bruce says something gruff and unapologetic".

2) Jim Lee is pencilling
I'm not going to lie, I really like Jim Lee's work. I know it represents the shift of "90's comic art" that focuses more on bad-ass poses and completely ignores things like background and blocking (not that Lee is guilty of either, but a lot of these problems spawned from his work (most notably Spawn, double parentheses!!!)) but I still really dig his style of work. Hush's saving grace was his artwork, All-Star B&R looking amazing and his X-Men run was what got me into comics as a kid. That being said..... the dude is slow. Suuuuuuper slow. Like most good artists, I assume. Plus, his role as Co-Publisher of DC Comics probably adds another brick wall to the whole process, so hopefully he's able to keep up on a monthly book. I'm sure he'll only be on for a 6 issue arc and then it'll move on, but I can still dream of a year-long run. Hell, rumors have been going on for more than a year about a Johns/Lee run on JLA, so he may have a good number of issues under his belt already.

Yo (I'm a Furry)

Well I'm a man of my word. When we reached 50 "likes" on our Facebook page, we got to work on creating John's panda rap video Yo (I'm a Furry!) and filmed it on Ron's iPhone. This is the culmination of over 1.5 hours of work. Get ready for the newest meme sensation since "Charlie Bit Me".

Don't judge me, monkey.

Portal 2 OST and Ringtones for Free!

The kind individuals at Valve have decided to provide Portal 2 fans with free downloads of the game's soundtrack.  As an added bonus, they've included six ringtones for Android or iPhone.

Click here for yours!

Super Heroes Enjoy Milk

I saw a recent screen shot of a "Got Milk" ad for the upcoming Green Lantern movie, and I realized that I really only see these ads when it mutually benefits a celebrity or movie and the great taste of milk. But then I realized, through careful research in Google and Google-esque search engines, that Green Lantern isn't the only super hero that enjoys a cool glass of milk while in full crime fighting regalia. It turns out almost all of them do.

The question that keeps popping up with each of these individuals, though, is why milk is so important to them. So let's start with...



Batman

Batman promoted his love affair with milk not once, but twice. Each time he's tempered his excitement. Or they caught him at a bad time. Or the milk was moderately warm. Hell, there's just no pleasing Batman. I bet he complained about the size of the glass, or the thickness of his computer-generated milk moustache.

To be fair though, Batman probably never drinks milk. Every time I've seen him offered any food or beverage from Alfred, he always goes full douche mode and turns him down.

"No time for that, old chum, I'm on the computer!"

"But sir, you haven't slept or haad milk in 3 days!"

 

Superman

If anyone doesn't need milk, it's Superman. I don't even know if calcium does anything for his bone structure, or if he even has bone inside of him. Maybe it's some Kryptonian skeletal structure made of crystal and Skyntonite or some nonsense. Either way, I don't think Superman needs to sleep, eat, drink, breate, wash, or even go to the bathroom. And if he does, he sure as hell doesn't need to wipe.

Wolverine

Again, if we're talking about enjoying the benefits of milk, Wolverine doesn't need it. His bones have been coated (or replaced) with adamantium, he really doesn't need anything to keep them strong. They'll be strong literally until time decides to end. Plus, we all know Wolverine's drink of choice isn't a glass of milk. It's a twelver of piss-swill beer and whoever's blood makes its way into his mouth during a fight.

Fantastic Four
This one doesn't surprise me. With the "family" vibe that F4 gives off, whole wholesome glass of milk fits pretty perfectly. But honestly, does Reed have to pour the milk from 5 feet up? He's just gonna spill that shit all over the floor! And then Sue will have to clean it up (obviously). Plus, how does Thing drink a glass of milk? Does he just smash it in his hands and then lick off the excess? Or does someone literally have to feed him milk? What a sad family.

Hulk

Milk apparently makes Hulk angry. Maybe the milk expired? That seems like something you would want to make sure of before giving to the Hulk. Hulk likes 2% milk that isn't expired. Does this glass meet that criteria? It doesn't? Well, don't fucking give it to him cuz he's just gonna flip the fuck out and start breaking all the shit in this room. Then he'll probably kill one of us, and we can't have that. Y'know what, just don't give him any milk to begin with.

Iron Man, Thor and the Hulk redux are not included on this list. Either because they all drink soy, or Marvel Studios doesn't have the same marketing partnerships that Fox and WB do. Either way, what an amazing waste of time this has proven to be! Drink Milk!

Big Daddy!

- John J

I wanted to touch on a group of folks at AnimeCentral on Saturday that JRAggressive ran into, and their amazing costume. We didn't get their names and it's a damn shame, because they were a great group of kids and their conception of their costume was absolutely fantastic.

Avert your gaze if you're not used to such iridescent brilliance, and please be sure to pucker your B-pipes for the majesty that is... "Big Daddy" from BioShock.

The entire project took a total of 9 months, and the suit itself is made up of at least 6 pieces. There's wires that connect each piece to another, and Christmas lights in the mask that light up the glass in the helmet. Even the drill on the right arm is connected to a battery that makes it work! It really is an awesomely "aggressive" idea and I thought they did an amazing job.

(Little side note here, but the "Little Sister" in these shots is actually a little boy. Way to dedicate yourself to the cause, my brotha.)

The worst part is that these guys weren't allowed to show off their costume during the "Masquerade" later on that day. When we asked, we were told that because it was an American video game they were ineligible. We didn't think that made a lot of sense.

Well it turns out that it was nonsensical because it wasn't true. There were two other Big Daddy costumes that were displayed during Masquerade, so it may be something as simple as they already had two Big Daddies and they didn't need a third. That makes a bit more sense.

I have to give props where props are due though, and this costume was awesome. I do feel bad for the girl who was inside that beast though, because I'd have to assume she's going to have degenerative disc disease by the time she's 30.
Way to go, you guys! I want to see a full sized "Mighty Joe Young" next year, and I wanna see a "old enough to look tired" Charlize Theron to go with it.

Charlize Theron looks tired, doesn't she? Poor, poor Charlize Theron.

Progressively Aggressive Meets FLOW!

-Ron


With our recent attendance of ACEN 2011 Progressively Aggressive was given the opportunity to meet up with Japanese rock band FLOW in an intimate press session on Sunday.  For those of you who may not be familiar with the band, Asakawa brothers Koshi (vocals) and Takeshi (guitar) formed the foundation of the group in 1993 when they began playing together.  Then between 1998 and 2000 the remaining three members of the band Keigo Hayaski (vocals), Hiroshi Iwasaki (drums), and Yasutaro Goto (bass) joined.  Since then, FLOW has released twenty singles and seven albums.  Some of their songs such as “GO!” and “Re:member” were featured as opening themes to the popular anime series Naruto (my personal favorite!)   

Read the transcript of the press interview after the jump.

The Meaning Behind the Designs of H. Naoto

-John J

Naoto Hirooka, more famously known in the Japanese fashion world as H. Naoto, visited AnimeCentral this year to display his h.NAOTO brand to an American audience. His fashion show on Friday may have been an introduction to the concept of his style, but H. Naoto's work is notorious in Japan for it's gothic and punk lolita influences.

In a discussion with the press the day following his line was displayed (with the help of an interpreter), H. Naoto discussed the influences of his work, what it's like working with musicians and bands, and how American audiences view the concept of his style.

Read the transcript of the press interview after the jump.

ACEN Photos Part Deux

Sunday's ACEN photos are up on our Facebook page!  Head on over and check them out by clicking on the pic below.  Don't forget to "Like" us for regular updates and new shows

A Furry in His Natural Habitat

ACEN Photos!

Hey everybody!

Jump over to our Facebook page for some photos of Saturday's AnimeCentral attendees. We'll have some of the panel coverage up later today, as well as the Masquerade.

For now, click on this amazingly gorgeous girl to jump to the album.

Behold the Power of The Room

-John J

It was destined to happen. And the timing in which it did take place couldn't have been more perfect. The rapture was set to take place at 6 pm on 5/21, sparking a 6 month period of fire and blood and horror and texts that you can never take back. Something had to be done to properly celebrate the world's destruction.

And so beget our viewing of "The Room".

Friends talk on rooftops. Good ones, I mean. Friends, that is.

For those of you who don't know what "The Room" is, the starring actor, writer and director Tommy Wiseau created a "drama" in 2003 that revolved around a strange love affair between Tommy's character "Johnny", his girlfriend Lisa and their mutual friend Mark. The movie is lauded as one of the worst of its generation, as horrible scripting, overdubbing, unnecessary sex scenes and unexplained characters ruin what otherwise.. well it was doomed from the start.

"The Room" is a cult phenomenon. Although not to the level of "Rocky Horror Picture Show", this is still a movie that's full of awful moments to celebrate. Here's a couple of my favorites.

• There are 5 separate sex scenes during the course of the film. Three are between Lisa and Johnny (whose roid-rage body resembles more a hairless silver back gorilla than any man), two between Lisa and Mark, and one between two characters who are literally not identified until their 3rd or 4th appearance in the film. Oh, and Lisa's plum ugly, too.
• Wherever Tommy Wiseau is from, it's not America. Because of that, many of his scenes are over-dubbed so that he's not completely indistinguishable. Great one liners like "Seems to me like you are an expert, Mark", "You are tearing me apart, Lisa" and "Anything for my princess" is just the tip of the iceberg. You can listen to a soundboard of the best quotes by clicking here.
• Characters in the movie say the same line multiple times. Mark is Johnny's best friend. Lisa doesn't want to talk about it. People like to say hello to Danny. To build on that last point, the whole movie is really just characters entering and exiting different rooms. It really is awful.

I knew all of this before we went and saw it in a theater. What I didn't know was the level of audience participation during the movie.

You're tearing me APART, Lisa!

We went and saw "The Room" at the famous Music Box Theater in Chicago, which is well known for its midnight screenings of terrible movies (i.e. "Human Centipede"). I was ecstatic to see that this is a big, big deal for folks who love the movie. This is a pilgrimage for people. This is my Mecca.

Every time that a painting of spoons appears in the background, audience members whip plastic ware across the theater. I never knew throwing spoons at strangers in the dark could be so much fun. The audience claps along with the generic, softcore porn music that comes on during every sex scene. B roll footage of the entire Golden Gate Bridge from one end to the other is greeted with chants of "Go, Go, Go, Go" until the camera reaches the opposite end. It's amazing to see how ritualistic a viewing of the movie is.

If you haven't seen any parts of the movie, you can Youtube the marquis moments, but I'd suggest not spoiling it for yourself. Go rent the movie off Netflix. Catch it whenever it's on Adult Swim. Or for God's sake, go see it in a theater and be part of a community. A community that understands each other, and loves one another.

Because as a great man with a steroid-infused muscular system once mumbled incoherently, "If we all had love in our hearts, the world would be a better place."

Indeed it would, Mr. Wiseau. Indeed it would.

First Look at Tom Hardy as Bane

The upcoming Dark Knight Rises site has released the first photo of Tom Hardy's character Bane. You can click on the image below for a larger version, but it's an interesting version to say the least. Hardy got jacked. And although it doesn't look as though he's sporting the miniature Bane Mohawk from the comic, he is wearing some sort of mask/helmet/breathing apparatus. I'm not sure if this is a prison-issue guard or if he'll be wearing this the entire film, but I kind of assumed he wouldn't wear the full facial mask. No actor would voluntarily be on board to cover their mug for a two and a half hour film (except for Karl Urban, who's supposedly doing it for the Judge Dredd reboot).

Thoughts? Comments? (love letters, porn, you know the drill). Send em' to progressivelyaggressive@live.com



 

Gates of Gotham Reviewed

Gates of Gotham #1
- John J

Scott Snyder has been on a hot streak lately. Detective Comics is arguably back to prestige form after the lull David Hine's run created, and American Vampire has been Vertigo's marquis book on a consistent basis. It seems the man can really do no wrong in the darker corners of the DCU Universe. So I'll admit, when I saw the initial preview for "Gates of Gotham" and read the premise, I was ten types of worried.

The premise isn't anything really new. After a 3 page set-up of Gotham before it became an industrial powerhouse, we see the three figureheads of the city meeting to discuss the architecture that would put Gotham on the map. Only one of the three men is specifically stated; Alan Wayne. From there, we're back to modern day Gotham where Grayson Batman, Red Robin, and the rest of the cast and crew (Cassandra Cain EEEEEEE) are dealing with the fallout of said bridges being blown to bits.

I've kind of had my fill of "The House of Wayne" and the development of Gotham in recent books. After Grant Morrison's take during Batman & Robin that now probably sits as canon for the Batman mythos, it's difficult to swallow more of the same. Luckily "Gates of Gotham" isn't heavy on back story, although it isn't short on set-up. After the incredibly well-plotted bridge destruction sequences there's a lot of talking heads, which if it wasn't for the expert plotting of Scott Snyder and affectionate scripting by newcomer Kyle Higgins, could easily turn into a "skim read". A sequence in which Batman interrogates Penguin could have been removed entirely, and I somewhat believe was put in there just so that Higgins could play in the sandbox a bit.

Trevor McCarthy supplies the art, and I'm mixed. McCarthy's line work is jagged and overly-stylized, but purposefully so. He's a good balance of early Scott McDaniel work and a more abstract expressionistic style. This works brilliantly for action sequences, such as Batman removing the doors from all the cars on the bridge in one felt swoop. Again, the less vibrant sequences, not so much.

While the ending brings back a character that most fans will grumble at, it also introduces a new villain (who McCarthy styles towards a steampunk theme) that's yet to be listed. With "Gates of Gotham" running the same length as Flashpoint (5 issues), there's the possibility that this story has long-lasting effects in the Batverse. Until that happens, however, it's a serviceable story with yet to be determined motives.

And it's got Cassandra Cain (EEEEEEEEEEEEE)!

AnimeCentral and Other News

-John J

Hey everybody.

So we're going to AnimeCentral this weekend to see Asian stuff! I personally am not involved in the Anime scene in the slightest, but Ron is. So we're gonna go cover it! All for you!

We'll be bringing you updates throughout the weekend on the Soap Bubble Rave, Naruto and Bleach fan panels, Cosplay Masquerade, and my first experience with something called "Pocky".

I've Googled what "Pocky" is, and apparently it's some sort of delicious treat. So I think I'm okay with trying it. I don't know why, but it seems like when someone brings up "experimenting with insert Asian fad" I assume that there's going to be something that makes me feel guilty and physically uncomfortable.



This is Pocky. Looks like an inverted anus.

 In other news, Progressively Aggressive is attending the Midnight Showing of "The Room" at the Music Box Theater (if you've never been there it's amazing). I'll be sure to have a review up early next week, because obviously we want to put all our weekend effort into the con coverage.

And I promise you. I will bang an asian girl in a space-ninja costume this weekend. Look for incredibly offensive pictures of the activity over the cumming days (eh? EH?)


Visit the Anime Central site at http://www.acen.org/

Thor the Movie VS Thor the Product

A Bashful Thor....
GET IT?!?!

by John J

The Marvel Universe is shaping up the team for The Avengers film coming out in 2012, and the successes of the Hulk and Iron Man has created an enormous buzz for every following film. But Thor suffers from the same problem that Iron Man 2 suffers from. It fails the experiment of trying to balance a stand-alone film with a "serialized" set up for a larger project.

This is a spoiler-free review, but I am going to touch on the overall plot of the film, so if you're completely absent from the plot outline good for you (but stop reading). The basic premise of the movie is that Thor, a young roustabout who likes getting into trouble and breaking the rules of his father Odin (a very grizzled Anthony Hopkins, who looks like he's waiting for a glass of warm milk that'll never come the entire film). After going into a headstrong battle with the Frost Giants, who closely resemble "Snowmeiser" but taller, Thor is banished from Asgard to Earth... which apparently is a bit shitbox to the Asgardians.

Cut to standard movie fare, Thor acts brazen, Thor falls for Natalie Portman, Thor saves Earth, Thor fights Loki back on Asgard. I appreciated the Shakespearean tones of the movie, but I'm not necessarily writing this to discuss the overall merit of the film. The movie could've been anything and the droves of comic fans would've made it the #1 box office hit for the weekend no matter what. Why?

The Avengers.

Iron Man, Iron Man 2, The Incredible Hulk, now Thor, and soon to be Captain America. The movies don't necessarily matter, because they're all simply building blocks for the bigger movie that'll be coming out in 2012, The Avengers. While I liked how Iron Man snuck in its Avengers bits slyly, the sequel was too jam-packed with it. The entire 2nd act was Nick Fury and Black Widow sitting around and just being. The incentive for fans to watch these scenes were simply that the characters existed, which is/was cool in and of its own right.



Thou believst thou dost protest too mucheth,
for in thine warmest of mothers' milks...

 Thor was fine. It wasn't a bad movie by any means. It wasn't great either. It was formulaic. It was safe. It was written and directed to be a decent popcorn movie that made fans say "Man, I can't wait to see what Thor does in the Avengers movie!" without actually analyzing what worked and didn't for the movie itself (although I gotta say, the Hawkeye sequence was pretty sweet).

The idea of "serialized" movies is kind of a scary one. Is one movie not enough to get a point across anymore? The trilogy idea now giving way to the method of films being interlocking pieces of a large narrative is an exhausting, and frankly lazy way to do a story. Are they difficult editorially? Probably? Is it a pain in the ass making sure that each part of the overall story has it's own position and release in sequential order? Yup.

But timeshares are a pain in the ass too, and those fuckers get set up all the time. How about a well-crafted narrative with 3 solid acts packed into 2 hours where each character is given something to do other than say "I'm Maria Hill. I'm from the comics."

That's not a film. That's "Transformers". That's a big advert for something other than what I paid for, and it makes me unhappy than I'm not dumb enough to enjoy the trickery of it.

But Thor was okay.

We Have a Winner!

Our first winner for Whodeez Moviez has been chosen.  Conor O. from Park Ridge, IL not only got all answers for the three clips correct, but got the extra credit for the win.  Conor will be receiving a Charlie Sheen "Winning" Tee from Redunk Tees.

-Ron

Playing Twister

What can I say?  I saw this video and it pretty much sums up why we do this show.  We celebrate the absurd, the ridiculous, or - in this case - the just plain stupidly awesome.  In the above video, some “roads” scholars learn that though tornados can be destructive and deadly, they can be a hell of a lot of fun too (till that shit kicks up a nail flying at 70mph.)  Watch as these four retards run repeatedly through a small twister.


-Ron

Superman Doesn't Just Hate America...

After the news broke from Action Comics #900, I decided to put Huckabee's word to the test. Does Superman hate America? Well, we know a couple things as fact;

Superman hates Nazis.

Superman hates Japanese people too.

Superman hates Native Americans.

Superman really hates Native Americans.

Jesus Christ, Superman, leave those poor Native Americans alone!

Superman hates Christmas.... wait a minute.... Superman hates Christmas??  SOCIALIST! SOCIALIST!!!

I think it may just be safer to come to grips with the fact that a fictional character is allowed to change based on the individual writing him (for better or for worse), and shouldn't be shoe-horned into one specific country or ideal when times change. Besides, Superman's an alien.

He's as much of an American as Alf.

- John J

John Remembers Captain Planet

Captain Planet leads a group of children to their
deaths each and every week!

And not warmly.

The first season of Captain Planet and the Planeteers was released this month on the 19th (news to me), and has been met with critical fondness for its overall message of environmental advocacy towards 90's youth. USAToday (which, if you know me, I don't want to wait until USATomorrow if I can get my news USAToday) praises the overall positive message of the show, and there are blog posts online that have covered the 'premiere parties" of the DVD's release. Everyone seems to really remember the show as being one of the best cartoons of its days.

Does anyone actually remember how much this show sucked? Cuz' it sucked.

Some things to consider;

1) The premise. Gaia, the spirit of Earth that was awakened at the start of the series due to the damage man had done to the planet, decided to give individual rings to 5 teenagers that would grant them the ability of a different element (or in Ma-Ti's case, "heart"... why not just call him "self-esteem") that would allow them to battle the forces of pollution and environmental destruction.

Okay. The spirit of Earth, obviously a wise and omnipotent being strong enough to control the basic elements of the planet and wield them into ring-form, has decided to give this insane amount of power to a bunch of straight-edge teenagers from around the world, who luckily all speak the English language and are best friends immediately. Never mind the grown adults who went to college and majored in Environmental Science and Sustainability, leading to rewarding careers in the EPA. Fuck those tree-hugging assholes. Give the power to those kids.

And to make matters worse, these kids go to war with some really horrible people! Which leads to our second "considerable thought"...

2) The villains. Most of the villains in the show were representative of a greater concern to the environment, like nuclear pollution or robbing the Earth of its forests for the purposes of capitalism. Y'know, kid's stuff. But remember, these are individuals who are fighting teenage kids on a daily basis.

Duke Nukem was a radioactive mutant whose sidekick needs to wear a radiation suit because of the level of radiation being given off by the villain. This guy is fucking radioactive. He's leaking radiation, literally, all the time. And he's fighting kids. At no point in any episode do the kids just say, "Let's go contact a Clean-Up response team to take this guy out." See, again, this is why the EPA would've made much better Planeteers than these kids would.

On a side-note, I bet Duke Nukem's bathroom redefines the word "contamination site". Oof.

Dr. Blight is a mad-scientist with a half mangled face and a super computer. Verminous Skumm is a rat-like monstrosity. Hoggish Greedly is a pig-man who pollutes the planet and talks like Ed Asner. I repeat. Teenagers with earth-rings are fighting a half-man, half-pig who talks like Ed Asner. Do you remember what Ed Asner did to Mary Tyler Moore? He made her cry, like, every episode. And that's without pig powers!

3) The message. I really should rephrase and say the delivery of the message, because I don't have a problem with the message at all. If you want to say "Hey, we want to do a cartoon that's going to teach kids the dangers of pollution, but also be fun!" That's all well and good. But if you're going to do it, do it right. And thus was born "Fern Gully"...

Here's a description of an episode from the first season's DVD set. Two villains, Dr. Blight and Duke Nukem, hold Captain Planet for ransom in Antarctica. What's the ransom? A lifetime supply of nuclear waste. Ignoring the simple fact that giving these two characters the amount of nuclear waste they want would actually require creating that nuclear waste and then shipping it to them, neither of which is something a "rainbow coalition" of kids can do, if you know anything about the show you know Captain Planet is summoned by absorbing the powers of the combined kids (as long as they "wish" for him). So now these fucking kids are working without any powers. Now they're just a bunch of kids without passports who bought plane tickets to Antarctica to be killed by a radioactive monster.

Now I want you two to kiss...

I'm going to leave you on one more thing. Captain Planet appears at the end of virtually every episode of the show, when things get too out of control for the kids. And he basically solves their problem for them. So Gaia must've known that these kids would never be able to seal the deal. It's the equivalent of saying "Okay, you kids can go out and fight crime, but if things get too scary, blow on your maaaagic whistles and I'll send your older brother Jeff to come help you."

Oh. And LeVar Burton is Kwame. Fuckin' dude did everything in the nineties.

New Transformers 3 Trailer

A brand new trailer for Transformers: Dark of the Moon has been released.  Check it out and let us know what you think!

-Ron

Call of the Dead Trailer

I must have been living under a rock for the past week or two because I had no idea what Treyarch had in store with their newest Call of Duty DLC, Escalation.  Aside from getting a new map pack (with five new maps) they are including this sweet lil ditty - Call of the Dead.  Did I mention yet that it includes Danny Trejo, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Robert Englund, and Michael Rooker?  Oh, and to top that....George Romero himself.  This obvious must have DLC will be out on May 3rd - so pick up your copy and send us your thoughts!

-Ron

New Rise of the Planet of the Apes Trailer!

Check out the new trailer for Rise of the Planet of the Apes below and tell us what you think!  Send thoughts to ProgressivelyAggressive@live.com.

Slow Week

Hey y'all,

It's a bit of a slow week here at J&R, and the only event that we really want to discuss (that badass Green Lantern trailer) we're saving for the show.

So in the meantime, here's an exerpt from Smallville's Executive Producer, Kelly Sounders, when asked about Tom Welling finally wearing the Superman costume.

"There is a very, very special moment that we love, and everyone who is looking for that moment won't be disappointed."

Chances are it'll look like shit anyway. I spoke in length during a previous post about how bad the costume design for this show is, so I'm sure the cape will be made out of a kitchen tablecloth.

Stay tuned for our podcast this Friday for more drunken debauchery!

In the meantime.... TAX MASTERS!

Review Shots For 3.30.11

This is the official warning to any and all who read these reviews. Progressively Aggressive holds a severe DC bias. I don't DISlike Marvel by any means... but I don't read the books, and I'm not a fan of the overall Universe. Plus, let's be honest, I've spent thousands of dollars over a number of years on DC books. I'm not made of money... come on, there's a recession going on, for God's sakes.

Detective Comics #875
Scott Snyder & Fracesco Francavilla

It's always refreshing to tell when a new writer coming into a long-standing book has been a long-time reader. That is most definitely the case with Scott Snyder and Detective Comics. In this issue, we see the longer version of the Jim Gordon / James Gordon Jr. confrontation that Snyder teased us with in his debut issue. Snyder understands the "mystery" genre, and the opening monologue from Bullock at GCPD reads like pitch-perfect old-school noir. Snyder writes Gordon like the old, weathered cop that he is. In the latest issue we find Gordon tailing a case from decades ago, and into intercuts a flashback when his "damaged" son James was just a child. The creepy factor is dialed up to 10, and we never really get any clear answer as to whether or not James is a psychotic killer or just... damaged.

Francavilla literally draws and colors everything in this issue, and it looks amazing. His color selection is either blacks and blues or firey auburns and oranges, both used to amp up the tension of the scenes. It's going to be a shame to see him go to Marvel for American Panther, because his Tim Sale style is matches up insanely well to this type of story.


Action Comics #899
Paul Cornell & Jesus Merino

I think Paul Cornell gets the DC Universe. The general rule of thumb for these characters, which writers like Grant Morrison, Joe Casey and Mark Waid stapled down in the nineties, is that you write the most off-the wall, unexplainable, and unintelligible material you possibly can for these characters to face, but you treat it with such nod/wink cool and confidence that people eat it up.

In the penultimate issue to Cornell's Lex Luthor epic, Luthor faces off against Braniac for control of the black spheres and becomes... well, something different. It's unclear as to what exactly has happened to Luthor, and I don't want to spoil anything, but we finally get to see what was on the other side of the "door" the rings created. The face-off between Luthor and Braniac is both hilarious and dead-on, as two super-geniuses shout out the fantastically over-the-top maneuvers and equipment that could never exist in real life - which is kind of the point.

The issue sees fill-in artist Jesus Merino, most likely because Pete Woods will be doing 50 pages of interior work in the 900's issue next month, and he fills in nicely. Merino's style is very old school, with precision lines that don't overuse cross hatching and lighting effects like Woods' work does. With that, merino works better on books like JSA or Superman, where the style matches the subtext. Here, Woods' overly computer-enhanced work fits the space age material Cornell is writing, and I would've loved to see what he did with Luthor on the final page.


Green Lantern: Emerald Warriors #8
Peter J. Tomasi & Fernando Pasarin

We get to see the third side of the initial conflict this week, with Guy Gardner facing off with Hal Jordan in "War of the Green Lanterns". The issue serves as set-up, which is a bit concerning since the last "Green Lantern" and "Green Lantern Corps" issues served the same function. But I assume not all readers are following all 3 books, so a set-up was needed in each.

We're starting to get a full picture with this issue. The 4 earth-bound Lanterns, as well as Kilowog and Ganthet, have been affected by Parralax way back in "Rebirth", so they're less influenced by its control. The issue itself is one big fight between Hal and Guy, before they reach the same conclusion that Jon and Kyle did in GL Corps. It's not an uninteresting issue, but it's certainly retreading on familiar ground. We get a verbal argument followed by a construct-based brawl, and while the fight itself is fairly cool (takes place across an entire planet) some of it is admittedly hokey... Guy shoots construct hockey pucks at Hal while wearing a construct hockey-jersey. Why not just shoot him with the thing?

My major complaint with Pasarin's work is that it's too clean. There's no scratches, the line work is too pristine. I love Pasarin's work in this issue, but I still recognize his faults. The fight takes place on a snowy planet, so clean pencils would work exceptionally well there. But Pasarin can pack a lot into a page; a splash containing an entire fleet of the Corps bearing down on Guy, Kilowog and Arisia is amazing. A reviewer at Comic Book Resources compared it to George Perez, and I'd be hard pressed to disagree.


That's it for this week! If you have thoughts, comments, hate-filled bullshit that essentially just disgagrees with me (but in an overly-rude, completely unnecessary fashion), leave a comment or email us at progressivelyaggressive@live.com