Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Super Heroes Enjoy Milk

I saw a recent screen shot of a "Got Milk" ad for the upcoming Green Lantern movie, and I realized that I really only see these ads when it mutually benefits a celebrity or movie and the great taste of milk. But then I realized, through careful research in Google and Google-esque search engines, that Green Lantern isn't the only super hero that enjoys a cool glass of milk while in full crime fighting regalia. It turns out almost all of them do.

The question that keeps popping up with each of these individuals, though, is why milk is so important to them. So let's start with...

Batman promoted his love affair with milk not once, but twice. Each time he's tempered his excitement. Or they caught him at a bad time. Or the milk was moderately warm. Hell, there's just no pleasing Batman. I bet he complained about the size of the glass, or the thickness of his computer-generated milk moustache.

To be fair though, Batman probably never drinks milk. Every time I've seen him offered any food or beverage from Alfred, he always goes full douche mode and turns him down.
"No time for that, old chum, I'm on the computer!"
"But sir, you haven't slept or haad milk in 3 days!"


If anyone doesn't need milk, it's Superman. I don't even know if calcium does anything for his bone structure, or if he even has bone inside of him. Maybe it's some Kryptonian skeletal structure made of crystal and Skyntonite or some nonsense. Either way, I don't think Superman needs to sleep, eat, drink, breate, wash, or even go to the bathroom. And if he does, he sure as hell doesn't need to wipe.

Again, if we're talking about enjoying the benefits of milk, Wolverine doesn't need it. His bones have been coated (or replaced) with adamantium, he really doesn't need anything to keep them strong. They'll be strong literally until time decides to end. Plus, we all know Wolverine's drink of choice isn't a glass of milk. It's a twelver of piss-swill beer and whoever's blood makes its way into his mouth during a fight.

Fantastic Four
This one doesn't surprise me. With the "family" vibe that F4 gives off, whole wholesome glass of milk fits pretty perfectly. But honestly, does Reed have to pour the milk from 5 feet up? He's just gonna spill that shit all over the floor! And then Sue will have to clean it up (obviously). Plus, how does Thing drink a glass of milk? Does he just smash it in his hands and then lick off the excess? Or does someone literally have to feed him milk? What a sad family.

Milk apparently makes Hulk angry. Maybe the milk expired? That seems like something you would want to make sure of before giving to the Hulk. Hulk likes 2% milk that isn't expired. Does this glass meet that criteria? It doesn't? Well, don't fucking give it to him cuz he's just gonna flip the fuck out and start breaking all the shit in this room. Then he'll probably kill one of us, and we can't have that. Y'know what, just don't give him any milk to begin with.

Iron Man, Thor and the Hulk redux are not included on this list. Either because they all drink soy, or Marvel Studios doesn't have the same marketing partnerships that Fox and WB do. Either way, what an amazing waste of time this has proven to be! Drink Milk!

No comments:

Post a Comment

Design by Free WordPress Themes | Bloggerized by Lasantha - Premium Blogger Themes | fantastic sams coupons