Michael Jackson: The Experience: The Game!

It was only a matter of time, wasn't it?

Michael Jackson, following the path of "dead celebrities making stuff post-mortem" that Tupac and Chris Farley carved out, has come out with a video game celebrating his music and dance steps and aw who're we kidding? The folks who own MJ's name and estate (probably his broke, untalented family) approved for UbiSoft to make some bullshit Dance-Dance Revolution / Guitar hero rip-off style game.

Look at this monstrosity.

Graaaaaaaar! Daaaaance with meeeeeeeeee!

The game offers 3 play modes. The first, called "Classic" (and I highly doubt there's anything in this game that could be called "classic") where you dance as Michael in all of his videos. The second option is "Duet", which lets you dance as Michael or another character.

Huh? Why the fuck do I wanna be dancin' as somebody who's not Michael Jackson? This is the Michael jackson experience, who else could I be dancing as?? I'm starting to view this game as incredibly suspect.

The third and final game mode is "crew", in which you dance as one of MJ's back-up dancers. Alright, fuck this. Fuck this, I have to dance as a back-up dancer while a CGI version of the dead celebrity dances in front of me? I feel like there should be German arthouse drug addicts masturbating behind me while I dance to this.

You can also play this game on the PSP or Nintendo DS, but why would you want to? Short of scaring everyone on the train while you dance maniacally, one hand holding the support rail while the other steadies your handheld dancin' device...

*****

I would've bought a game that was based on the life of the late Michael Jackson. I think sixty bucks to go golden vase shopping, or tree climbing or monkey buying or train riding or oxygen-chamber sleeping isn't too high a price. Can you imagine the "Cure the Cancer-Ridden Orphan with Wine and Your Penis" level? Stuff. Of. Legends.

Here is a Picture of Plastic Man and Aquaman Field-Skipping

Because you asked for it! Well, honestly I can only assume that you haven't, or wouldn't if you knew the option existed for you. I'm posting it as a link to Every Day is Like Wednesday, a hilarious blog I follow. Caleb, the mastermind behind the site (and similar Newsarama blog) updates at least once a day (and makes it look easy! I can barely get to this thing every other day...) and is an amateur artist as well.

I'll be honest..... he aint that good. I'm worse, but he aint that good. It's gotten a lot better, and his love for DC grants him a special place in my oversized ape heart that was transplanted inside of me when my human one "crapped out" on me, so I'm posting in hopes that you all will visit his site and show him some love (in the form of nude photographs).



This is just solid gold...



Enough Already, Charlie Sheen

We listened to him blow up during a radio interview when questioned about his lifestyle and how it was affecting his show. We watched the parade of TV interviews he went through; America "oohed" and "ahhed" at his coke-fueled one-liners (I have to admit, tiger-blood is a pretty good line). Morning radio DJ's shitballed corny puns about him and called him a genius, internet polls were maxed out on whether or not it would be fun to trade lives with him, and the news cycle has kept anyone who wanted to know in the know on his life by interviewing his ex-wives, father, brother-in-law, and stripper/porn star housemaids.... seriously, what do those girls do there besides snort K and dance on furniture stolen from the set of Spin City?

But I'm growing increasingly tired of the "intervention/birthday party" we're throwing for Charlie Sheen...

I found this video when looking through FoxNation.com (please don't ask me why, I get bored at work, okay?!?) It's Charlie Sheen, using his own insane previous ramblings as part of a fake cooking show for an internet comedy site.

And ohhhhh is it not funny.

Sir Charles of Sheen was fired from Two and a Half Men in recent days, and the "actor's" last real movie was Scary Movie 4 (in which he basically played a parody of himself with a bunch of Playboy Bunnies before getting a giant erection, falling out a window and dying... ACTING!) Obviously still dependent on whatever substances he's taking, Sheen seems to be a bit unfit for a sustained acting role in the near future... So the guy's basically a filmable basketcase.

His "Cooking Show" video seems to be evidence to one of two things; either a) he's desperate for the money due to his addictions and no sustainable income and is willing to take roles that essentially self-parody himself, or b) this is all an elaborate scam Joaquin Pheonix style.

I highly doubt it's the latter.

It's one thing if a celebrity wants to publicly ruin their career and their lives for mass audience enjoyment. Chevy Chase made a career out of it for a couple decades. It's another thing if somebody is asking us to celebrate it with them as though it were a performance. Sorry, but you don't get to justify your addiction and misery by making money off of it and winking at the camera when you're done going on a sleigh ride. If you want to destroy your name and career, then you can do without pretending it's something you want to do.

Nick Spencer is a Douche and Other News

Nick Spencer, current writer of T.H.U.N.D.E.R. Agents and half of an issue of Supergirl just signed a Marvel exclusive contract to write an Iron Man book (Iron Man 2.0 get it cuz he's a robot) and Secret Avengers (which is actually kind of a sweet book, and perfect for Spencer's brand of super-conspiritor thriller books). He's apparently still writing his Morning Glories book, which I've never read, but most likely will be coming off T.H.U.N.D.E.R. in the coming months.

If Spencer is at C2E2, I'm gonna punch him in his face.

Well no, not really, but I'm gonna take a picture of him while the camera's moving, so he looks all blurry and overweight. Yeahhhhhh.

Not to go on a rant, but poo to you I'm going to do it anyway, it really feels like DC really dropped the ball on locking Spencer up. Sure, they bolted Scott Snyder down, and Chris Roberson seems promising, but other than those two individuals (and possibly Lemire from "Sweet Tooth" fame) DC really doesn't have a lot of 3rd or 4th tier talent... Hell, even their 2nd teir is shaky. Look at the current writers on Flashpoint at the moment; how many Tony Bedard written books do we need to read? One, and it's R.E.B.E.L.S. (which is gettin' canned)

On the flipside, Action Comics is bringing on Kenneth Rocafort (that name is going to be hilariously misspelled in NO TIME) as the artist for Paul Cornell. Don't know who Rocafort is? He's from Top Cow. Still nothin'? Look at this upcoming cover. You'll know who he is soon.

That is just a purdy, purdy picture.

In other related news, I'm getting myself amped up for C2E2 in my own way... I need to dress like someone from the press. I'm thinking a pair of chic glasses (no no prescription lenses, just glass) and a surly disposition ought to do it. But honestly, Ron and I are stoked for the opportunity to talk to idols of ours (or in Ron's case, Eliza Dushku aka Megan's Law Victim #12). Little under 2 weeks until the festivities begin.

Oh, and stay tuned for the next Progressively Aggressive podcast, featuring our first show over Skype! Technology is just used so meaningfully, aint it?

Take us home, keyboard cat!

Keyboard cat, nooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Over the Next 2 Weeks

Hey kittens,

     Before we post this weekend's podcast (and boy oh boy was it a doozy), we wanted to give you an update for the next week's blogposts.

     Ron is off to California to honor the grave of Biggie Smalls (I honestly don't really know what he's doing out there), and I'll be enjoying the slow but steady temperature increase in Chicago. Since Progressively Aggressive will be covering C2E2 in two weeks as full-flegded members of the press core (I gotta go buy some Jimmy Olsen vests!), we'll be stepping up or proverbial "game" on all events covered at the show.

     So, hopefully over the next couple weeks we'll be lining up all sorts of articles, previews and nerdist ramblings to get you psyched for all things Geek, all leading up to 3 day non-stop coverage of C2E2.

So get pumped, people! Ron's gonna dress up like Captain Katherine Janeway! Eh? Get ready for more jokes like THAT.

- Johnny J