Tuesday, February 22, 2011

The End of the World on a Dare

An earthquake in New Zealand killed 65 people in a town of 400,000. Photos and video of the incident showed people running for their lives from mudslides and falling debris.

Four Americans on a yacht were held captive for over a week by Somali pirates before they were executed.

Colonel Muammar el-Quaddafi vowed to "fight until the last drop of my blood" when describing recent clashes with Libyan rebels over territory in the country.

Sounds super sad, right? Well don't worry, cuz there's plenty of real news to take your mind off of it? Like a U.S. Senator giving advice to Lindsay Lohan??? Whosa-whaaaaaaaaaaaat? That's crazy! That definitely belongs four spots above the devastation in New Zealand on the USA Today homepage (along with Cam Newton butt-fucking around with the NFL Draft)!

I shit on USA Today a lot, because they totally deserve it. I don't read a lot of online publications, because I'll usually just look at Drudge Report, Huffington Post and Dead Spin (I like to know which athletes have assaulted under age girls on any given week), but I'll check out USA Today every once in a while. I don't find it at all engaging or well-written, but I like the "shiny-ness" of it. It's very pretty. It's the equivalent of sitting in a room with a super hot girl who says "I hate drama, y'know? I just hate all the drama. I don't read the news cuz it's too sad. I'm too busy living."

I'm not saying we should read sad news just because it's sad, or that we should make it more important or pedestal-ize it (yes I'm making a lot of new words today), but we sure as shit shouldn't just ignore it. It's still news. "Carnival Ship to Host New Floating Music Festival" is not news... unless it's on a bulletin board at some dorm in a teen movie about partying on Spring Break. Then you can call that news... cuz I'm sure it's gonna lead to hijinks and some big fake tits poppin' out all over the place.

Sometimes you need to read the scary news about the world. Sometimes you have to open up articles about how China's putting pressure on the country cuz we're in debt up to our Adam's apples, or the slide in housing prices in the past 3 months. When some dictator decides to end the world on a dare, and we're all too busy catty-chatting over the Oscar nominees, it's going to be too late to say "I'm gonna die in the biggest fuckin' fireball you've ever seen, but I'm goin' out educated."

That's totally what I'm gonna say when that fireball comes. And USA Today's gonna be asking if J-Woww made it to the bunker in time...

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