How I Saved Egypt

I remember it like it was yesterday...

I was at my apartment, sitting on my couch and eating a bowl of homemade beef and potato stew that I made. I think I was watching the Bulls game, but it could have simply been any basketball game. I probably farted at some point too (whether the stew was an accomplice in that fart is suspect). Then I went to the bathroom, as I am want to do after a bowl of stew. After a quick shower and a half-hearted fap, I went to bed.

And then the Muslim Brotherhood and military officers seized control of the Egyptian government, following the departure of Mubarak. And I thought to myself, "Well, that's a good idea if I ever heard one."

Field Marshal Mohamed Hussain Tantawi, Sobeh Saleh, and a collection of other defense minister/appeal lawyer/specialty position representatives of the Muslim Brotherhood have formed a panel of jurists and begun filling the leadership roles in Egypt. The intent is that this is the first step of transferring power to civilian hands (although one would question how having the Military do it seems legitimate), and the youth groups orchestrating the recent rallies have approved of the grouping of individuals.

And they all have me to thank. After all, when asked what I thought of the rallies and riots over the past week, I said "Egypt should have it's freedom, but I'm not fuckin' going down there." When someone asked me what I thought about Mubarak being "de-throned" from power and the Military taking temporary control of the country, I said "Yeah that's a sweet idea. I'm glad they took that douchebag's money away from him." When asked what I thought about whether America should have a role in the democratic process of determining a new leader, I said "Of course we should. I wanna go to KFC right now."

So, in some triple-helixed grouping of quasi-logic, I had just as much to do with the transition of power in Egypt as President Obama did! I don't know if his stew was home-made or store bought (possibly delivered?), but I do know that a recent poll through USAToday showed that 66% of Americans feel Obama did a great job handling the issues in Egypt, even though he essentially held his hands above his head and shouted "I'm not playing! I'm not playing" while the tire-yard clusterfuck in Egypt was going on.

Obama was quoted as saying, "The challenge is that, you know, democracy is messy."

Yes. It is. So is a caramel apple.

Anthony Cordesman from the Center for Strategic and International Studies stated "It's far too premature for Americans to know anything about what is happening in Egypt."

Yeah, but it's not too early for us to vote about it! Being a figurehead for peace and change without actually getting involved in peace and change is a bit of a contradiction, aint it? Obama did win the Nobel Peace Prize, so he must be good at it. I mean, they wouldn't just give the guy a medal for global publicity, right?

Next time you all need me to solve a crisis of power in another country, try and catch me before my fap. I'm miles away by then.