An earthquake in New Zealand killed 65 people in a town of 400,000. Photos and video of the incident showed people running for their lives from mudslides and falling debris.
Four Americans on a yacht were held captive for over a week by Somali pirates before they were executed.
Colonel Muammar el-Quaddafi vowed to "fight until the last drop of my blood" when describing recent clashes with Libyan rebels over territory in the country.
Sounds super sad, right? Well don't worry, cuz there's plenty of real news to take your mind off of it? Like a U.S. Senator giving advice to Lindsay Lohan??? Whosa-whaaaaaaaaaaaat? That's crazy! That definitely belongs four spots above the devastation in New Zealand on the USA Today homepage (along with Cam Newton butt-fucking around with the NFL Draft)!
I shit on USA Today a lot, because they totally deserve it. I don't read a lot of online publications, because I'll usually just look at Drudge Report, Huffington Post and Dead Spin (I like to know which athletes have assaulted under age girls on any given week), but I'll check out USA Today every once in a while. I don't find it at all engaging or well-written, but I like the "shiny-ness" of it. It's very pretty. It's the equivalent of sitting in a room with a super hot girl who says "I hate drama, y'know? I just hate all the drama. I don't read the news cuz it's too sad. I'm too busy living."
I'm not saying we should read sad news just because it's sad, or that we should make it more important or pedestal-ize it (yes I'm making a lot of new words today), but we sure as shit shouldn't just ignore it. It's still news. "Carnival Ship to Host New Floating Music Festival" is not news... unless it's on a bulletin board at some dorm in a teen movie about partying on Spring Break. Then you can call that news... cuz I'm sure it's gonna lead to hijinks and some big fake tits poppin' out all over the place.
Sometimes you need to read the scary news about the world. Sometimes you have to open up articles about how China's putting pressure on the country cuz we're in debt up to our Adam's apples, or the slide in housing prices in the past 3 months. When some dictator decides to end the world on a dare, and we're all too busy catty-chatting over the Oscar nominees, it's going to be too late to say "I'm gonna die in the biggest fuckin' fireball you've ever seen, but I'm goin' out educated."
That's totally what I'm gonna say when that fireball comes. And USA Today's gonna be asking if J-Woww made it to the bunker in time...
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Saturday, February 19, 2011
The First 3 Thoughts After Waking Up With a Hangover
I'm sure we've all had roughly the same thoughts, with slight variations depending on where we live/who we live with/etc. But the standard first few moments of hang-over mornings really boil down to 3 thoughts.
1) I'm not going to go wherever it is I'm supposed to go today. I didn't want to show up at my office today when I woke up at 6 am, because I had spent a good majority of the night before drinking with friends and getting home late, compounded with staying up later and poor food choices immediately prior to sleep. So waking up after 4 hours of unhealthy, grease n' booze half-nightmares really wasn't a shoeless dance through my old grandmother's dewy garden.... it was pretty shitty. The thought never remains longer than a passing 2-3 minutes, but during that time I'm steadfast in my hatred of the day's responsibilities. I line up a foolproof plan to avoid having to go to work.
"I got it.. I'll lay on the couch with my head dangling off the side so that a lot of blood rushes to my head, then I'll hold my nose with my fingers and call into work before anyone gets in, so I have to leave a voicemail. Then I can feign illness!"
2) What are the chances that I'm going to throw up? This is the worst of all three thoughts, but it's also one of the first to pop into my head. I immediately go into plan-mode. Should I use the good 30-40 minutes or pure misery my stomach is going to go through to get my bedroom door open, have a glass of water ready to sip on, and clear a stumble-free path to the bathroom? Because I know the next near-hour is going to be used for contorting my body into impossible angles to buy those precious extra minutes of puke-free splendor. Then the worst question pops into my head...
"Should I just go puke and get it over with?"
WORST QUESTION EVER! I've planted the seed of doubt, the wooden planks barricading the door of complete biologicial armageddon has now started splintering, and it's not going to hold for long. I've pulled the blankets off of my body at this point, because I know any given moment that next burp is going to turn into Stage 1 of the gurgling/puffy-cheek/mad dash for the nearest receptical to handle the liters of waste I plan on dishing out.
3) I really want to masturbate, but I'm afraid to. What better way to cheer up after a long night and longer morning that to pinch off a quick one? Surely I've got to be releasing a fantastic amount of protein and grease and hatred and liquid guilt through 10 minutes of drowsy spanking, where everything goes in a different rhythm and nothing really gets accomplished except turning the one rigid part of my body into a mushy, stinky mess like the rest of me. Hung-over morning masturbation is the equivalent of a Down Syndrome 5th grader with a saxaphone and no sheet music; it's just lots of movement and sound, and by the end of it something's broken or missing.
The danger is the hung-over crank off is that something in taht activity inevitably leads to vomiting. Whether it's the amount of energy expendid, or the abuse on the body, or possibly just the physical manifestation of my brain's disgust and guilt with the rest of me after witnessing such a sad, pathetic act.
1) I'm not going to go wherever it is I'm supposed to go today. I didn't want to show up at my office today when I woke up at 6 am, because I had spent a good majority of the night before drinking with friends and getting home late, compounded with staying up later and poor food choices immediately prior to sleep. So waking up after 4 hours of unhealthy, grease n' booze half-nightmares really wasn't a shoeless dance through my old grandmother's dewy garden.... it was pretty shitty. The thought never remains longer than a passing 2-3 minutes, but during that time I'm steadfast in my hatred of the day's responsibilities. I line up a foolproof plan to avoid having to go to work.
"I got it.. I'll lay on the couch with my head dangling off the side so that a lot of blood rushes to my head, then I'll hold my nose with my fingers and call into work before anyone gets in, so I have to leave a voicemail. Then I can feign illness!"
2) What are the chances that I'm going to throw up? This is the worst of all three thoughts, but it's also one of the first to pop into my head. I immediately go into plan-mode. Should I use the good 30-40 minutes or pure misery my stomach is going to go through to get my bedroom door open, have a glass of water ready to sip on, and clear a stumble-free path to the bathroom? Because I know the next near-hour is going to be used for contorting my body into impossible angles to buy those precious extra minutes of puke-free splendor. Then the worst question pops into my head...
"Should I just go puke and get it over with?"
WORST QUESTION EVER! I've planted the seed of doubt, the wooden planks barricading the door of complete biologicial armageddon has now started splintering, and it's not going to hold for long. I've pulled the blankets off of my body at this point, because I know any given moment that next burp is going to turn into Stage 1 of the gurgling/puffy-cheek/mad dash for the nearest receptical to handle the liters of waste I plan on dishing out.
3) I really want to masturbate, but I'm afraid to. What better way to cheer up after a long night and longer morning that to pinch off a quick one? Surely I've got to be releasing a fantastic amount of protein and grease and hatred and liquid guilt through 10 minutes of drowsy spanking, where everything goes in a different rhythm and nothing really gets accomplished except turning the one rigid part of my body into a mushy, stinky mess like the rest of me. Hung-over morning masturbation is the equivalent of a Down Syndrome 5th grader with a saxaphone and no sheet music; it's just lots of movement and sound, and by the end of it something's broken or missing.
The danger is the hung-over crank off is that something in taht activity inevitably leads to vomiting. Whether it's the amount of energy expendid, or the abuse on the body, or possibly just the physical manifestation of my brain's disgust and guilt with the rest of me after witnessing such a sad, pathetic act.
* * * *
Such are my weekend mornings. I'm left with my thoughts too much, I'm afraid.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
How I Saved Egypt
I remember it like it was yesterday...
I was at my apartment, sitting on my couch and eating a bowl of homemade beef and potato stew that I made. I think I was watching the Bulls game, but it could have simply been any basketball game. I probably farted at some point too (whether the stew was an accomplice in that fart is suspect). Then I went to the bathroom, as I am want to do after a bowl of stew. After a quick shower and a half-hearted fap, I went to bed.
And then the Muslim Brotherhood and military officers seized control of the Egyptian government, following the departure of Mubarak. And I thought to myself, "Well, that's a good idea if I ever heard one."
Field Marshal Mohamed Hussain Tantawi, Sobeh Saleh, and a collection of other defense minister/appeal lawyer/specialty position representatives of the Muslim Brotherhood have formed a panel of jurists and begun filling the leadership roles in Egypt. The intent is that this is the first step of transferring power to civilian hands (although one would question how having the Military do it seems legitimate), and the youth groups orchestrating the recent rallies have approved of the grouping of individuals.
And they all have me to thank. After all, when asked what I thought of the rallies and riots over the past week, I said "Egypt should have it's freedom, but I'm not fuckin' going down there." When someone asked me what I thought about Mubarak being "de-throned" from power and the Military taking temporary control of the country, I said "Yeah that's a sweet idea. I'm glad they took that douchebag's money away from him." When asked what I thought about whether America should have a role in the democratic process of determining a new leader, I said "Of course we should. I wanna go to KFC right now."
So, in some triple-helixed grouping of quasi-logic, I had just as much to do with the transition of power in Egypt as President Obama did! I don't know if his stew was home-made or store bought (possibly delivered?), but I do know that a recent poll through USAToday showed that 66% of Americans feel Obama did a great job handling the issues in Egypt, even though he essentially held his hands above his head and shouted "I'm not playing! I'm not playing" while the tire-yard clusterfuck in Egypt was going on.
Obama was quoted as saying, "The challenge is that, you know, democracy is messy."
Yes. It is. So is a caramel apple.
Anthony Cordesman from the Center for Strategic and International Studies stated "It's far too premature for Americans to know anything about what is happening in Egypt."
Yeah, but it's not too early for us to vote about it! Being a figurehead for peace and change without actually getting involved in peace and change is a bit of a contradiction, aint it? Obama did win the Nobel Peace Prize, so he must be good at it. I mean, they wouldn't just give the guy a medal for global publicity, right?
Next time you all need me to solve a crisis of power in another country, try and catch me before my fap. I'm miles away by then.
I was at my apartment, sitting on my couch and eating a bowl of homemade beef and potato stew that I made. I think I was watching the Bulls game, but it could have simply been any basketball game. I probably farted at some point too (whether the stew was an accomplice in that fart is suspect). Then I went to the bathroom, as I am want to do after a bowl of stew. After a quick shower and a half-hearted fap, I went to bed.
And then the Muslim Brotherhood and military officers seized control of the Egyptian government, following the departure of Mubarak. And I thought to myself, "Well, that's a good idea if I ever heard one."
Field Marshal Mohamed Hussain Tantawi, Sobeh Saleh, and a collection of other defense minister/appeal lawyer/specialty position representatives of the Muslim Brotherhood have formed a panel of jurists and begun filling the leadership roles in Egypt. The intent is that this is the first step of transferring power to civilian hands (although one would question how having the Military do it seems legitimate), and the youth groups orchestrating the recent rallies have approved of the grouping of individuals.
And they all have me to thank. After all, when asked what I thought of the rallies and riots over the past week, I said "Egypt should have it's freedom, but I'm not fuckin' going down there." When someone asked me what I thought about Mubarak being "de-throned" from power and the Military taking temporary control of the country, I said "Yeah that's a sweet idea. I'm glad they took that douchebag's money away from him." When asked what I thought about whether America should have a role in the democratic process of determining a new leader, I said "Of course we should. I wanna go to KFC right now."
So, in some triple-helixed grouping of quasi-logic, I had just as much to do with the transition of power in Egypt as President Obama did! I don't know if his stew was home-made or store bought (possibly delivered?), but I do know that a recent poll through USAToday showed that 66% of Americans feel Obama did a great job handling the issues in Egypt, even though he essentially held his hands above his head and shouted "I'm not playing! I'm not playing" while the tire-yard clusterfuck in Egypt was going on.
Obama was quoted as saying, "The challenge is that, you know, democracy is messy."
Yes. It is. So is a caramel apple.
Anthony Cordesman from the Center for Strategic and International Studies stated "It's far too premature for Americans to know anything about what is happening in Egypt."
Yeah, but it's not too early for us to vote about it! Being a figurehead for peace and change without actually getting involved in peace and change is a bit of a contradiction, aint it? Obama did win the Nobel Peace Prize, so he must be good at it. I mean, they wouldn't just give the guy a medal for global publicity, right?
Next time you all need me to solve a crisis of power in another country, try and catch me before my fap. I'm miles away by then.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Thoughts on the X-Men Trailer
Those of who follow the X-Men: First Class Facebook page were given an early look at the new trailer for the upcoming film (everybody else saw it on YouTube like, 5 minutes later), and I gotta say...
... it still looks boring and kinda dumb.
A couple things stand out though, and I wanted to share my thoughts.
1) It takes place during the Cuban Missile Crisis. I'm a fan of any major historical event being tied in with Super-Heroes. It tends to ground the goofy silliness that's happening for an hour and a half (like Magneto lifting a submarine out of the water from the inside of the Blackbird? Hmm?), and the trailer does have a very 60's chic to it.
2) Kevin Bacon is the super villain. According to IMDB he plays Sebastian Shaw, the leader of the Hellfire Club. I don't read Marvel comics, so I had to look up who this character is, and the resemblance is uncanny!
3) January Jones plays Emma Frost. Do you all know who January Jones is? The show "Mad Men" does not do her justice. She is a babe. And her knockers are rockin', if I can put that as indelicately as possible. There's not much to see from the trailer (she's mid-diamond-ing in the one viewable scene of her), but if Director Matthew Vaughn wants to do Marvel fans right he'll put her in nothing but a bra, leggings and a cape before the closing credits roll.
Judge for yourself, take a peek at the trailer and tell us what you think. Are we looking at another X-Men Origins: Wolverine?
X-Men: First Class trailer
... it still looks boring and kinda dumb.
A couple things stand out though, and I wanted to share my thoughts.
1) It takes place during the Cuban Missile Crisis. I'm a fan of any major historical event being tied in with Super-Heroes. It tends to ground the goofy silliness that's happening for an hour and a half (like Magneto lifting a submarine out of the water from the inside of the Blackbird? Hmm?), and the trailer does have a very 60's chic to it.
2) Kevin Bacon is the super villain. According to IMDB he plays Sebastian Shaw, the leader of the Hellfire Club. I don't read Marvel comics, so I had to look up who this character is, and the resemblance is uncanny!
3) January Jones plays Emma Frost. Do you all know who January Jones is? The show "Mad Men" does not do her justice. She is a babe. And her knockers are rockin', if I can put that as indelicately as possible. There's not much to see from the trailer (she's mid-diamond-ing in the one viewable scene of her), but if Director Matthew Vaughn wants to do Marvel fans right he'll put her in nothing but a bra, leggings and a cape before the closing credits roll.
Judge for yourself, take a peek at the trailer and tell us what you think. Are we looking at another X-Men Origins: Wolverine?
X-Men: First Class trailer
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Olly Moss Is a Genius
I stumbled across an awesome image of a Wolverine/Batman hybrid on Comic Book Resources and had to check out the artist's site.
Olly Moss does a lot of really unique and eye-popping art, some of which is for sale. Check his shite out ASAP! I know what I'm buuuuuuying!
You can check out all of Olly Moss' work at his site by clicking here
Olly Moss does a lot of really unique and eye-popping art, some of which is for sale. Check his shite out ASAP! I know what I'm buuuuuuying!
You can check out all of Olly Moss' work at his site by clicking here
Monday, February 7, 2011
The Super Bowl Revisited
The 2011 Dallas Super Bowl had 111 million viewers, a record that broke the previous cap of 106.5 viewers last year. Over 90% of all advertising slots had been filled by Fox come mid-September. A 30 second commercial for the Super Bowl cost an estimated $3,000,000. The game itself aired on networks in over 26 major countries around the world. Super Bowl XLV is now in the record books for the most watched program of any kind in the history of viewed programs.
Oof.
The Fox pregame went from 1-5 pm CST, and consisted of a cavalcade of ex-players and current coaches/players in their respective off-seasons patting each other on the back and telling America that football is bigger than it is. Terry Bradshaw, near the culmination of an interview with Bart Starr to celebrate the old-fashioned black-and-white delights of playing under Vince Lombardi, looked like he was going to give the ex-Packers quarterback an open-mouthed kiss, and then promptly piss himself.
Curt Menefee, Howie Long, Michael Strahan and Jimmy Johnson sat in comfortable chairs above the freezing masses and laughed about Pizza Hut, Ford rally cars, the size of their "rings" and the majesty of the game. Howie Long interviewed veteran Green Bay players about how important the game was to them, and dazzled at Charles Woodson's response to the question "What sort of pep-talk did you give your team mates, your brothers in arms who look up to you and respect you?"
"Let's go play, focus on the game." Brilliant.
Christina Aguilera came out to sing the National Anthem (after a nondescript character from the pop show "Glee" sang the "America the Beautiful") and botched the words, straining like an amateur through most of the song but holding the word "brave" at the climax of the song for 11 seconds. She stated in a press release later, "I can only hope that everyone could feel my love for this country and that the true spirit of its anthem still came through."
I would assume the spirit of our country comes through much better when you sing the song correctly.
The Black Eyed Peas, in a 12 minute moment of "what the fuck is happening", were lowered onto the center of the field in robot costumes and delighted the 103,219 Dallas fans with a bad karaoke version of all their greatest hits. They screamed over each other, mentioned President Obama mid-song (the message of which was ruined due to an "auto-tuned" microphone), and grinded on an obviously-bored Slash during a painfully rigid version of "Sweet Child of Mine".
Oh, and Usher was there to do the splits.
All in all, it was a very bright, very colorful display of lights and sounds surrounding the last game of the NFL season. Ex-players laughed and hugged on elevated stages. Michael Douglas and Martin Sheen did voice-overs comparing football to Martin Luther King and John F. Kennedy's achievements. A-Rod was fed popcorn by Cameron Diaz.
Oh, and 850 fans were denied access to their seats that they had paid between $1,700-$3,000 dollars for. Roughly 15,000 temporary "party pass" seats were put up in order to break the attendance record for a Super Bowl game, but they were put up so late that the Fire Marshall couldn't inspect the area, and the fans who purchased the tickets weren't allowed to use them. They were either moved to different sections, put outside the stadium near "party monitors", or offered reimbursement of triple the cost of their tickets.
Ticket reimbursement sounds like a great idea for an adult. I'd just hate to tell the 7 year old boy from Green Bay who travelled with his dad in one of the worst snowstorms in American History to see his favorite team play for the highest achievement in the sport that he can either watch the game outside or go home.
Six fans were injured by falling ice and debris from the cold, since they had to watch a football game outside at 9 pm. Michael Irvin sat in an expensive suit amidst ex-football players and reflected on the "good old days".
Perspective is a bit of a bitch, isn't it?
The Black Eyed Peas, Terry Bradshaw, Christina Aguilera, A-Rod, Jimmy Johnson... Wanna know why these people are better than the kid who's dad paid $5,000 for seats they couldn't use?
Yeah, me too...
Oof.
The Fox pregame went from 1-5 pm CST, and consisted of a cavalcade of ex-players and current coaches/players in their respective off-seasons patting each other on the back and telling America that football is bigger than it is. Terry Bradshaw, near the culmination of an interview with Bart Starr to celebrate the old-fashioned black-and-white delights of playing under Vince Lombardi, looked like he was going to give the ex-Packers quarterback an open-mouthed kiss, and then promptly piss himself.
Curt Menefee, Howie Long, Michael Strahan and Jimmy Johnson sat in comfortable chairs above the freezing masses and laughed about Pizza Hut, Ford rally cars, the size of their "rings" and the majesty of the game. Howie Long interviewed veteran Green Bay players about how important the game was to them, and dazzled at Charles Woodson's response to the question "What sort of pep-talk did you give your team mates, your brothers in arms who look up to you and respect you?"
"Let's go play, focus on the game." Brilliant.
Christina Aguilera came out to sing the National Anthem (after a nondescript character from the pop show "Glee" sang the "America the Beautiful") and botched the words, straining like an amateur through most of the song but holding the word "brave" at the climax of the song for 11 seconds. She stated in a press release later, "I can only hope that everyone could feel my love for this country and that the true spirit of its anthem still came through."
I would assume the spirit of our country comes through much better when you sing the song correctly.
The Black Eyed Peas, in a 12 minute moment of "what the fuck is happening", were lowered onto the center of the field in robot costumes and delighted the 103,219 Dallas fans with a bad karaoke version of all their greatest hits. They screamed over each other, mentioned President Obama mid-song (the message of which was ruined due to an "auto-tuned" microphone), and grinded on an obviously-bored Slash during a painfully rigid version of "Sweet Child of Mine".
Oh, and Usher was there to do the splits.
All in all, it was a very bright, very colorful display of lights and sounds surrounding the last game of the NFL season. Ex-players laughed and hugged on elevated stages. Michael Douglas and Martin Sheen did voice-overs comparing football to Martin Luther King and John F. Kennedy's achievements. A-Rod was fed popcorn by Cameron Diaz.
Oh, and 850 fans were denied access to their seats that they had paid between $1,700-$3,000 dollars for. Roughly 15,000 temporary "party pass" seats were put up in order to break the attendance record for a Super Bowl game, but they were put up so late that the Fire Marshall couldn't inspect the area, and the fans who purchased the tickets weren't allowed to use them. They were either moved to different sections, put outside the stadium near "party monitors", or offered reimbursement of triple the cost of their tickets.
Ticket reimbursement sounds like a great idea for an adult. I'd just hate to tell the 7 year old boy from Green Bay who travelled with his dad in one of the worst snowstorms in American History to see his favorite team play for the highest achievement in the sport that he can either watch the game outside or go home.
Six fans were injured by falling ice and debris from the cold, since they had to watch a football game outside at 9 pm. Michael Irvin sat in an expensive suit amidst ex-football players and reflected on the "good old days".
Perspective is a bit of a bitch, isn't it?
The Black Eyed Peas, Terry Bradshaw, Christina Aguilera, A-Rod, Jimmy Johnson... Wanna know why these people are better than the kid who's dad paid $5,000 for seats they couldn't use?
Yeah, me too...
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